sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
