my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize