Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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