I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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