we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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