hotel room ftw
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
