she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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