My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
