i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
