tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
