mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We had sex on a dog bed..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
