Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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