if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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