The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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