you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
