I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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