I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
