this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
