mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
