Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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