What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love you. Go after that dick
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
