well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
