considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
