i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
