I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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