he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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