oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
