Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
