11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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