I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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