Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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