Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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