I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize