Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
