My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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