HIV tests are more positive than that guy
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
