Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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