I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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