I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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