she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Randomize
