she looked like the bat from fern gully.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
