in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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