right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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