My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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