All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
