Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
