So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
