dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
