I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
