my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
