We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
