I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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