new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
