today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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