Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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