first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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