Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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