These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
