So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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