Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
