he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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