Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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