I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize