I faked an abortion last night.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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