Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
