saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
did i just pee glitter
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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