just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
