i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
