I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
