It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
