I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
