i think i recognize dicks better than faces
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
